Insomniac ramblings

They're not what they were. I have a packet in front of me now and am disappointed at the relative quantities of the different varieties of allsorts.
Barely any solid liquorice ones which I like. Far too many of the round coconuty ones with the bit of liquorice in the middle, and pink aswell!
Thankfully there are quite a few of the nobbly aniseedy jelly ones.
Personally I like to bite the fondant off and leave the liquorice to savour.

Discovered that my debit card details had been used to buy a rug or something from this company. £183 out of my account and nothing to do with me. Either a fraudulent transaction or some sort of cock up. Anyway that was 8 days ago. The bank will refund me but my card was stopped and they said theyd send me a new one. Hadnt received it by today so phoned the bank only to find out that my account had been referred to collections for a reason that even they couldnt explain.
Anyway it turns out that I have to go into my branch and ask them to order me another one. God only knows why they couldnt do it over the phone. So Ill be another week without a card which has messed up a couple of direct debits and all my ebay transactions.
So ive been in a really bad mood today, resulting in me smoking far too many cigarettes and munching my way through a whole packet of hobnobs for comfort.
Im going through a period where previously straightforward aspects of life seem to be incredibly difficult and complicated. Nothing seems to go right. Admittedly the big issues seem to be behind me, its just an ongoing set of annoyances. I have such a level of free-floating anxiety now that I fully expect everything to go wrong and Im just waiting for the next issue to arise. Oh for a simple life!

I have to admit that prior to my drastic reduction in income, I wouldn't have stepped over the threshold into one of these establishments. But needs must and today I ventured into my local Poundland. In amongst the tat there really were some bargain products. I left the shop with a set of cutlery, a deodorant spray, medium sized jar of Nescafe (foreign label) and 3 tea towels, all this for a grand total of £4!
I've never been particularly frugal, but now that I have to be it really can be quite satisfying. I buy my clothes at Matalan or on ebay and the local indoor market is now a regular haunt. No more label snobbery for me!

Borrowing a little from a certain website listed to the right, I will occasionally share with you the joys of the humble biscuit.
Today's biscuit is the McVities Fruit Shortcake. Im literally half way through a packet now having begun about an hour ago.
Anyway, to the biccy itself. Its 5.5cm in diameter, shortcake with around 6-8 currants embedded and a sugar dusting. Dunkable if that takes your fancy, though im not a dunker myself.
I think it probably appeals most to the more mature biscuiteer, kids don't normally like 'dead flies' in their biscuits. Its never the first to go in a selection but not last either. Its a mainstream biscuit with a bit of quality. Its one of my favourites.

Basil: Come on, start, will you!? Start, you vicious bastard!! Come on! Oh my God! I'm warning you — if you don't start… (screams with rage) I'll count to three. (he presses the starter, without success) One…two…three…!!Right! That's it! (he jumps out of the car and addresses it) You've tried it on just once too often! Right! Well, don't say I haven't warned you! I've laid it on the line to you time and time again! Right! Well…this is it! I'm going to give you a damn good thrashing! (he rushes off and comes back with a large branch; he beats the car without mercy)

I feel better for that!

.....is a funny thing. Im not at all in control of it. Im not sure I can really trust it.
I have good days and I have bad days, but really it is only a symptom of how my brain is dealing with things. I can usually tell when I wake up on a morning what sort of mood my brain is in. Today its telling me that Im a bit pissed off. Tomorrow it will probably tell me Im contented.
Thinking this way may help deal with mood fluctuations. It isn't ME that is depressed. Its my brain having a bad day.
Having said that, my brain is ME. I don't believe in a seperate soul, or heart. So where does that leave me. Well from my days working in mental health I know something of how dopamine and seratonin levels in the brain effect our mood. So mine are probably not at the right levels right now. Can knowing that make me feel any better? Perhaps it can if I seperate MYSELF from the mechanics of my brain. mmmm, easier said than done.
So, I know that lower levels of chemicals in my brain can bring about low mood, therefore I can reassure myself with the knowledge that when the chemicals sort themselves out I will feel fine again. BUT, why are the levels low in the first place? Well that is because of reaction to outside events. Anti-depressant medication helps stabilise the levels of seratonin and/or dopamine in the brain, therefore it can help you keep things in perspective. Perhaps that is why instead of falling into a deep pit of despair I can be fairly objective about my low mood and see it as that imbalance of chemicals, rather than something bigger and deeper.
Perhaps I just need to dig out a fawlty towers quote. Hang on...

...and i'm still up! I know when its pointless going to bed. Not so good today and yesterday, feeling quite negative and a bit angry, manifesting itself in things like minor road rage. Thats always a sign that im not on form. Some deeper negativity too e.g. my purpose in life, my place in the world etc, pretty heavy stuff.
Perhaps if the money worries wern't there i'd probably feel a bit brighter. I'm spending more on cigarettes per month than my income on benefits. Ive got a prescription for stop smoking tablets off the GP but apparently they can make you feel depressed, so this is probably not a good time to start.
This money thing is really stressing me. A year ago I was on 30k, now im on 4k. When I was on 30k I never had anything left at the end of the month!
If anyone reads this im sorry for the miserable tone but that's how it is. Hopefully a bit brighter tomorrow (today).

He threw a coin back into the crowd. Nobody died, nobody was hurt. Did this deserve any column space? Of course not, but what we got was police involvement and an inquiry by his club. Get over it FFS.

I worked closely with Social Workers for many years. Its not a job I would want. It seems that Social Workers can't win. Either they're interfering too much in people's lives, or they're not doing enough.
When horrendous events occur like those in recent days, the media would have you think that Social Services departments throughout the country are in disarray. Obviously something has gone badly wrong, but I dont think people acknowledge or understand how difficult their job is. Lets get things in perspective - every day children and other vulnerable people are being monitored and protected in often very difficult circumstances. Apparently Britain has just about the best record in the world for preventing child deaths, but this is not going to get headlines when there is an opportunity to have a go at Social Workers.
You can almost sense the glee that some people feel when a tragic event like this occurs. They can't wait to get in there and have a go at Social Services departments and Social Workers in general.
I have great admiration for people who choose to work in these areas. They're on a hiding to nothing.

Well my finances are dire at the moment. So much so that ive reluctantly decided to flog a few things to keep the wolf from the door. Ive gone through my cd collection, of which a few are rare. I contemplated for quite a long time whether to put these on ebay and it was a real wrench. There is something about a cd or record collection, its very personal and part of me. Each cd means something to me. Having said that though, the particular cd's im flogging havn't been played for some time, but its still difficult. So far ive put two up, both of which should go for £30 - £40. The problem is that when things improve financially I probably wont be able to find them they're so scarce. Oh well.